Thursday, June 03, 2004
I am very sad... Very sad... Ultimate sadness, makes one cry and want to die... Indeed, this phrase really tells it all... Even as i am typing here, i am trying very hard to hold back my tears... Unfortunately, i failed just now when a tear just uncontrollably released itself from my left eye... Haiz... I suddenly feel that life is so meaningless, so futile... Yes, you have guessed it... It's my arm...
Was at the hospital just now for a check-up on my dislocated( i hate this word ) arm... Waited like ages before i could see the doctor... It was Room Number6, and well, the doctor is a male one, but definitely not the one that asked me whether i like sex er not... He took a look at me with a cheerful smile and greeted me like "Hi, Kenneth, how are you?" Well, things looked good on the outside with that doctor's expression but inside, i knew there's gonna be a catch somewhere... Well, i sat down and he asked me for my identifications and my age... He forget to ask me whether i am a male or female though... After that, he sort of interrogated me bout' my arm, like when did you dislocated it and those kind of questions... Then, he lifted up my sleeve to check the condition of my right arm and asked me to remove my top as he led me to the bed... Ooops, for once i nearly asked him like "What are you gonna do to me... I am still young..." but i dispersed the idea soon enough... I obediently took off my Viper shirt and he began scrutinizing my shoulder to like check whether it's the same length, same shape or something... Then he made me do some simple arm exercises that nearly took the life out of me when he stretched it... Gosh...
We sat down at the table again and that's when reality sank in... I asked him for a letter that i could bring to NS for further reference, and he said no problem... He scribbled ( yes he scribbled and i could hardly recognise his handwriting, gosh, if i could, i would have asked to write it myself and let him sign... Guess doctors' handwriting are really universally horrible ). I told him i have yet to go for my medical check-up and i asked him what PES will i be catogorise... Wah! His answer was like a stab in my heart... He said PES C since i have a ( the dreaded word ) arm. I told him about my aim to enter OCS during my NS, and he said, with a matter-of-fact face that it's pretty impossible now!!! I nearly choked to death upon getting his reply! Wah... I really felt like dying sia... No OCS? What the heck? I don't want to be a bloody clerk!!! Helpppp! I don't want... Well, this was only the first shock...
I told him that i am a rather active sports person and i play soccer and badminton regularly... He asked me to stop all these activities for 1 month, including swimming... He explained that if my arm ( the word ) itself while i am in the water, i might drown... That's not the worse part... He said that it would be wise not to play badminton for 3 months! And especially those stuff that involve the right shoulder! And guess what's the final punch? He said even after 3 months, there's no guarantee that the arm has healed and there's a very very high risk of 80-90% that the arm will, well dislocate again! He explained that because, and unfortunately that i am still young, there's a higher chance of a re-occurence than older people... These doesn't make sense to me, coz i thought older people got like more brittle bones and break more easily? Anyway, i asked him whether i could play soccer since soccer doesn't involve my arm, only my legs... He said better not take the risk coz during soccer, shoulders might bang into each other and well, same old story... Wah... Like this i sianjipua oredi lor... I really felt so handicapped, so paralysed... And that's not all... He said i need to attend some kind of therapy for arm strengthening exercise... Wah... Sounds like i got some stroke man... I don't want!!!!
He gave me a prescription and i waited for like 45 mins at the pharmacy coz the queue was just damn long... My queue number was H400, and as i looked up at the queue screen, it's like H356... Sucks big time sia... As i sat down, i began to ponder about my future... The monotonous beeping of the queue numbers kept ticking and beeping away, as if in perpetual unrest, much to my irritation... Well, the hospital has always been a site of unrest, where the matter of lives and deaths is at stake... I started to think... I could have wrote a book titled "Life with a Dislocated Arm" with those countless thoughts i had... I imagined myself sitting in an office typing letters during NS and that i can't play sports properly again, without fear that my arm will dislocate... The thought of me made me so upset, that i didn't even say a word to my parents... The idea really sucks... I can't imagine myself without badminton or soccer...
I am very afraid!!! I am so afraid!!! I am so scared that i won't be able to play badminton and soccer again... I would rather die... Haiz... I really feel like crying... I am so scared and i feel so alone in this.... I don't want to be a clerk... People would despise me for being a clerk during NS... It's a shame... No girl would ever want me because i am a useless clerk during NS, i can't protect my country, how am i gonna protect my girlfriend... I feel so useless, like a rotting piece of wood... Sorry, Michelle, i can't get you the officer ( OCS ) sword that i promised i would give you because i won't be able to go OCS anyway.... I am so useless, a piece of shit... Sports is my Life, no Sports, No Life... It's indeed a demoralising setback for me... My outlook of life looks bleak now... Thank You all my friends who will try to console me, though it doesn't really help much, i appreciate it from the bottom of my heart... It's already my fortune to have such wonderful friends around me... But you guys will never feel how i feel right now... Why??? Why must Heaven be so cruel to me??? Why did my arm dislocate??? Why? Why? Why? Somebody tell me the reason!!! This is the first time i know of someone who dislocate his shoulder because of badminton, and not iike a fall from a mountain or something... Why... Goodbye, all my friends... I love all of you... But i will never be the same again unless my arm recovers 100% and never to dislocate again......
Was at the hospital just now for a check-up on my dislocated( i hate this word ) arm... Waited like ages before i could see the doctor... It was Room Number6, and well, the doctor is a male one, but definitely not the one that asked me whether i like sex er not... He took a look at me with a cheerful smile and greeted me like "Hi, Kenneth, how are you?" Well, things looked good on the outside with that doctor's expression but inside, i knew there's gonna be a catch somewhere... Well, i sat down and he asked me for my identifications and my age... He forget to ask me whether i am a male or female though... After that, he sort of interrogated me bout' my arm, like when did you dislocated it and those kind of questions... Then, he lifted up my sleeve to check the condition of my right arm and asked me to remove my top as he led me to the bed... Ooops, for once i nearly asked him like "What are you gonna do to me... I am still young..." but i dispersed the idea soon enough... I obediently took off my Viper shirt and he began scrutinizing my shoulder to like check whether it's the same length, same shape or something... Then he made me do some simple arm exercises that nearly took the life out of me when he stretched it... Gosh...
We sat down at the table again and that's when reality sank in... I asked him for a letter that i could bring to NS for further reference, and he said no problem... He scribbled ( yes he scribbled and i could hardly recognise his handwriting, gosh, if i could, i would have asked to write it myself and let him sign... Guess doctors' handwriting are really universally horrible ). I told him i have yet to go for my medical check-up and i asked him what PES will i be catogorise... Wah! His answer was like a stab in my heart... He said PES C since i have a ( the dreaded word ) arm. I told him about my aim to enter OCS during my NS, and he said, with a matter-of-fact face that it's pretty impossible now!!! I nearly choked to death upon getting his reply! Wah... I really felt like dying sia... No OCS? What the heck? I don't want to be a bloody clerk!!! Helpppp! I don't want... Well, this was only the first shock...
I told him that i am a rather active sports person and i play soccer and badminton regularly... He asked me to stop all these activities for 1 month, including swimming... He explained that if my arm ( the word ) itself while i am in the water, i might drown... That's not the worse part... He said that it would be wise not to play badminton for 3 months! And especially those stuff that involve the right shoulder! And guess what's the final punch? He said even after 3 months, there's no guarantee that the arm has healed and there's a very very high risk of 80-90% that the arm will, well dislocate again! He explained that because, and unfortunately that i am still young, there's a higher chance of a re-occurence than older people... These doesn't make sense to me, coz i thought older people got like more brittle bones and break more easily? Anyway, i asked him whether i could play soccer since soccer doesn't involve my arm, only my legs... He said better not take the risk coz during soccer, shoulders might bang into each other and well, same old story... Wah... Like this i sianjipua oredi lor... I really felt so handicapped, so paralysed... And that's not all... He said i need to attend some kind of therapy for arm strengthening exercise... Wah... Sounds like i got some stroke man... I don't want!!!!
He gave me a prescription and i waited for like 45 mins at the pharmacy coz the queue was just damn long... My queue number was H400, and as i looked up at the queue screen, it's like H356... Sucks big time sia... As i sat down, i began to ponder about my future... The monotonous beeping of the queue numbers kept ticking and beeping away, as if in perpetual unrest, much to my irritation... Well, the hospital has always been a site of unrest, where the matter of lives and deaths is at stake... I started to think... I could have wrote a book titled "Life with a Dislocated Arm" with those countless thoughts i had... I imagined myself sitting in an office typing letters during NS and that i can't play sports properly again, without fear that my arm will dislocate... The thought of me made me so upset, that i didn't even say a word to my parents... The idea really sucks... I can't imagine myself without badminton or soccer...
I am very afraid!!! I am so afraid!!! I am so scared that i won't be able to play badminton and soccer again... I would rather die... Haiz... I really feel like crying... I am so scared and i feel so alone in this.... I don't want to be a clerk... People would despise me for being a clerk during NS... It's a shame... No girl would ever want me because i am a useless clerk during NS, i can't protect my country, how am i gonna protect my girlfriend... I feel so useless, like a rotting piece of wood... Sorry, Michelle, i can't get you the officer ( OCS ) sword that i promised i would give you because i won't be able to go OCS anyway.... I am so useless, a piece of shit... Sports is my Life, no Sports, No Life... It's indeed a demoralising setback for me... My outlook of life looks bleak now... Thank You all my friends who will try to console me, though it doesn't really help much, i appreciate it from the bottom of my heart... It's already my fortune to have such wonderful friends around me... But you guys will never feel how i feel right now... Why??? Why must Heaven be so cruel to me??? Why did my arm dislocate??? Why? Why? Why? Somebody tell me the reason!!! This is the first time i know of someone who dislocate his shoulder because of badminton, and not iike a fall from a mountain or something... Why... Goodbye, all my friends... I love all of you... But i will never be the same again unless my arm recovers 100% and never to dislocate again......
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